The last 24 hours have been so monumental. I don’t know if I have ever felt more empty and satisfied at the same time. This month has been testing and hard and fulfilling.

At the beginning of the month, my heart ached for my one of my sisters. I cried to my parents. I cried to friends. Just when I felt things were getting worse, my God pulls through.

Things were really improving with my other sister. I don’t know if we’ve ever laughed like that before. Then things got rocky, to be honest, but I know it doesn’t end there.

As I watched fear spread across the world, I watched it consume my mom. I’ve seen it control her before and to see it happen again was scary. 

School going into online mode before the rest of the state took a shelter in place stance shifted the whole semester. Honestly, I hated the fact that I was going to be home more often dealing with everyone. It has forced me to confront things which, in retrospect, is a good thing. 

With graduations changing, mine included, and the flower market being shut down I was really starting to worry about my family’s finances. I found my mom’s fear transferring onto me.

At the beginning of the month, I applied to write for a woman’s ministry. As the deadline to hear back approached and hearing nothing so far, I lost hope in just about everything. (You’d think I would be used to rejection by now.)

My dad has been my rock through this all. He has kept the faith believing everything is going to be fine. Sometimes I think he puts up a hopeful front just to keep us calm. I have watched him stay positive and try to find the benefit in every situation. He has stepped up to the plate being the only active parent while my mom quarantines in Mexico. I love seeing this side of him.

This time last week, I was drowning in fear. Today is different.

On Friday, I was drenched in fear. On Saturday, I had a check point with my heart. On Sunday, God showed me how tight He is holding onto me and my family. On Monday, God gave me a wake up call.

Never would I have guessed I would be where I am today. God is so good.

Monday, my friends and I decided to take advantage of the quarantine to stay connected every day through a Bible Study. They nominated me to lead it.

I had a vision of myself being in front of a classroom, but I never pictured it starting off this way. I get to teach a child. I get to teach someone who is older than me. I get to teach. I never expected God to use me this way or to even move in the way that He has. God has such bigger plans than I can even conjure up.

GOD IS SO GOOD.

Last night… Last night was powerful. God uses children in supernatural ways. God uses everything for His glory. I mean EVERYTHING. He used a child to see and hear a demon. He used me to identify it. He used my sister to find the reason and meaning behind it. (Yes, we prayed it to break off.)

The same sister who I was so concerned for, at the beginning of the month, had breakthrough! She said, “I can’t interpret that. I haven’t talked to God in a hot minute.” BUT GOD. She went back in her own private time and spent time with God to help break this thing off my friends’ family.

I am soooo glad I was obedient and said YES to His call.

God is moving. Even when I can’t see it. Even when I don’t feel it. God is hard at work. 

I’m only a vessel in God’s Kingdom. Some days I would feel so empty, I would hate it. Now, I feel empty and filled at the same time. My heart is full. Joy has overwhelmed me. Peace has flooded me. I’m so honored to pour out on others. 

This was probably the most incoherent entry, and it’s only because I am so excited and pumped with passion, but I needed to document such a shift. I need this to look back on. When my hope starts to dwindle, when fear starts to creep, when I forget the purpose… 

This is why I’m here. This is who I’m here for.

Note to self: YOUR OBEDIENCE IS BIGGER THAN YOU.