The devil is a liar. The Holy Spirit dwells within me. Just because I don’t speak in tongues does not mean I’m not spiritual or Spirit-filled. “Not all have gifts of healing. Not all speak in different languages. Not all interpret those languages” (1 Corinthians 12:30). There are so many other gifts listed in 1 Corinthians 12 that I can have. Gifts that will help me in the ministry God has called me for.

I have been attending church since I was in my mother’s womb. I have been to countless youth retreats. I have prayed for the baptism with the Holy Spirit for a really long time. A lot of the retreats gave opportunities to receive the baptism. I always associated the baptism with speaking in different tongues. Each time I’ve prayed and cried out to God, but never have I felt what everyone else describes it as. Never have I felt a different a language come out of my mouth. It probably never will, and I’m learning to be okay with that.

However, not being able to have this gift really discouraged me. I was praying this time would be different going on this one-day retreat for Bible College, for today we would receive the baptism. During worship, I was talking to God and telling Him that I really didn’t want to be discouraged again. I wanted the baptism so bad… more like speak in tongues. It messed me up when so many around me were speaking in tongues. God used my Pastor to call me out. I immediately fell to my knees.

That whole time I was fighting, crying, and begging. Nothing. I felt like running out of that small chapel. I told God not to let me, but He didn’t stop me. I ran out and my legs just began to tremble like never before. I couldn’t and still can’t help but think of some lyrics that say “You make the darkness tremble.” The dark inside of me, it was coming out. I went up to that mountain with a lot of darkness. But I didn’t come down with it. It stayed there. This time is forever different than all the other times.

Coming down from the mountain and talking to my dad about what happened made me feel so much better. I don’t have to speak in tongues. Paul speaks “So my brothers and sisters, you should truly want to prophesy. But do not stop people from using the gift of speaking in different kinds of languages”(1 Corinthians 14:39). My dad encouraged me to pray for the gift of prophecy. He also said I should pray to receive the gifts that pertain to my ministry. The amount of peace that has filled my heart is enormous.

All the other times the devil has used it to lie to me. He found opportunities to make me feel disappointment and distance me from church. But he’s a liar and Psalm 63:11 says “liars will be silenced.” He will not prevail. I cannot and will not be shaken. Plenty of other things happened today on that mountain. I think I’ll hold off on those until the time comes, but I’m filled with great joy and peace. I’m not the same inside. I’m grateful. I’m free. I’m victorious. I’m encouraged. I’m strengthened. I’m renewed. And most importantly, I’m loved tremendously by my God.