All grades have been submitted and I was able to see what I grade I received in each of my classed. The result was saddening for my Biology. I was hoping to barely make it through. I was hoping I got just enough points to get me to a C+. Instead, I ended the semester with a C-. That is not passing. I failed the class and have to retake it again. I hurt my academic record. I feel hurt. My dreams feel crushed. Everything I wanted and hoped to accomplish feels further away than ever before. I’m forced to question what are the ways God really wants to use me?

I thought “Okay, Lord. If I fail, it is You telling me something. I obviously need to learn how to take a loss. This isn’t Satan winning, this is me needing to learn and grow from an experience. Everything will be okay no matter what happens after that fail. You will take me where I need to and everything is going to turn out better than just fine.” It felt and still feels like what I thought He wanted for me was aligned with what I have been wanting to do since eighth grade and that’s becoming an optometrist. I saw a critical need for eye care in many countries filled with poverty. I’ve always had a heart to help those in need. I’ve always had a desire to travel. I really like eyes because they’re like a camera lens (I am an art aficionado). Becoming an optometrist seemed like a much more reasonable dream than becoming a freelance photographer (as If I were to ever get a job at NatGeo). So optometry seems like the perfect career for me to have, right?

It might be perfect, but it might not be the best or the one God has chosen for me. And in reality, the perfect path is the one God wants me to take. That path seems so risky and unclear, but I am asked to trust Him. His plans for me are wonderful. He has so much in store for me. He will never make me do anything I don’t want to do. When I am faced with a tough decision to make, He gives me room to think about it for myself. Yet, He wants to be there in the thought process. He wants to help me consider the pros and cons of each decision I need to make.

The direction in which He wants me to walk may make feel like I am unqualified, untalented, irrational, nonsensical, but that’s Satan preventing me from stepping into greater things. The Lord wants me to take a leap, to take a risk. He wants me to have an adventure-filled life. So those feelings are from from what God actually believes. God qualifies me. God had given me talents and gifts. God is not constricted to our common sense. He provides me with everything I need to  fulfill His plans for me. He wants me to act on faith. I really need to realize this and let in sink within the deepest parts of my mind, heart, and soul. 

Maybe I can be both things I wanted to be? The Proverbs 31 woman was so many things. What makes me think I can’t be like her? I have to realize also that when I fully surrender myself to the Lord’s Will, my own will is refined and molded to perfection. I need to let my “Yes, but –” turn into “Yes, and –.” I literally need to lay it all out at the cross and let Him be in control. I cannot let doubt an fear keep me from reaching new heights. I am currently full of doubt.

Am I 100% positive about switching majors? Am I 100% positive my “silly” daydreams will become reality? I want answers right away, but I know I’m still being molded, refined, purified, pruned. I still have much to learn. I have yet to grow through more tests. This is a test in itself. “A teacher only gives a test he feel they have prepared his students for.” I can only hope I pass this test the Lord put before me.