I did it! I officially completed my first year of college and what a year it has been.

A little over a year ago, I was on the edge about going to college right away. I had the desire to take a semester off and travel or volunteer at an orphanage in Mexico or help out my aunt in Texas. I wanted to get away from circumstances I was facing here in California. Then I got accepted into CSULA and told myself I was going there for sure in the fall of 2015. A few days later, I got accepted into CSUF, so obviously I changed my mind and went with CSUF instead.

Fall came and my Lord knows how hard I fell. August 2015 marked a year since I started a constant suffering of severe anxiety attacks. I’ve had couple ones prior but they were significantly spread apart by years. August 2014 I had a major attack and was rushed to the hospital. A year later, I suffered an even more major one and was taken to the hospital again. In that year, I suffered through less intense ones, but were very frequent. They robbed so much of my sleep. My anxiety and stress levels affected my diet. I would go days without eating. I would be sick at the sight and smell of food. I hated eating. I was even prescribed pills that was supposed to help increase my desire to eat. 

Not only did I suffer from malnutrition, but from depression as well. When I had another huge anxiety attack in August of 2015, I was talking to the doctor about my weight concerns. I told her about my poor eating habits, my low weight, and concern about being anorexic. She referred me to a psychiatrist. When I went to go see the psychiatrist, he told me that I wasn’t showing signs of being anorexic; however, I was showing signs of depression. He put me on antidepressants. Different ones, one after another, determining which ones worked for me and which ones didn’t. From August to December, I met with him monthly. December was when he saw enough improvement to take me off my medication and stop our visits.

From August to December, I went through my first semester of college. Those were some of the most draining months of my life. It was a very lonely time. It was a very painful time. And it was obviously a very depressing time. By September, I stopped attending church. I wasn’t receiving anything from the sermons. People were absolutely mean to me. In October, I experienced a humongous loss. I lost my best friend. School was beyond difficult to concentrate on. I ditched class a couple times because all I wanted to do was be locked in my room. All I ever did was cry. I was in so much darkness. November brought even more loneliness. I felt rejected, so I isolated myself even more. In December, by the grace of God, I passed all my classes. I was given enough strength to let go of all that pain. I was given enough courage to move forward. I found Light in my darkness. I found hope. I found peace. I found a future.

My friendship with someone tightened during those 5 months. However, during winter break, I made poor choices that really hurt me spiritually, most likely hurt that friend, and definitely ended up hurting my best friend as well. The friend I hurt was already hurt, and I may have hurt them even more. Honestly, I may never know because we are no longer friends. I had to tell my best friend what happened. The response was heartbreaking, but there is forgiveness, healing, and moving forward. I am grateful for the forgiveness of my best friend and my Lord. 

In January, the Lord pulled to my current church, Freedomhouse OC. Lord knows why He brought me there exactly. Since January, I have found so much healing, restoration, forgiveness, peace, joy, strength, and grace. I immediately joined the church and joined a young adults connect group. It’s so awesome to see young people going after the heart of God. I went to a couple women’s event that have molded my way of thinking. I am giving up control over my life because I have found that it is not by my own strength or confidence that I am able to get through any circumstances, but it is through Christ’s! It is He living inside of me making all things new. I rededicated my life to Him and ever since then, my life has changed.

Relationships are being restored. I no longer suffer from sever anxiety attacks. I used to lose so much sleep from the attacks and just cry myself to sleep; but now my nights are full of rest and so much tranquility. I’ve been pressing into His Word lately. There is so much satisfaction and fulfillment when I read about Him. Going to church, hearing other’s testimonies, reading books about spiritual growth, and doing a bible study with one of my closest friend has been absolutely transforming. I am learning so much about who God is because it’s about Him! And what He did for me! He is awesome! Worthy of all my praise!

This semester in school hasn’t been easy. I was finally able to concentrate more. I didn’t skip class this time around. I showed up every day of every week for the four months. Biology was my toughest class last semester as well as this semester. I barely made it last semester. I don’t know about this time around. I am praying and believing God will work a miracle. I never did well on tests, as much as I studied and felt like I knew the answers. Taking the final this semester was rough. I felt like I knew the material. I had only two hours, but didn’t “use it wisely.” I wasn’t able to fill out the last page or finish bubbling in my answers. I actually ended up crying. I really need to trust God has control over it and I will be okay. Same goes for my Chemistry class, I did fairly well on the exams, and I’m hoping the final boosts my grade to an A. Another class I was hoping to do well in was my American Government class. There weren’t many assignments, but I’m hoping to get another A to raise my GPA. Only the Lord knows. I must leave that all in His hands.

He is so good. Whatever happens, I know I will be okay. I want His Will to be done in my life. I want Him to have His Way. He is molding me and helping me become the woman He created me to be. He breathes life into my lungs. He speaks peace into my storms. He brings rest. He carries all my burdens. He covers me with grace and love. He carries me in the palm of His hand. I am safe with Him. Every struggle I endure by running to Him brings me closer to Him. He makes sure nothing goes to waste. He uses every little thing. I love getting to know Him. I’m excited to grow more in Him, to learn more about Him, to see what He has in store for my life. This has been an incredible 9 months, but the best is yet to come!

Christ’s love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Then you can be filled with the fullness of God. With God’s power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine. To him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus for all time, forever and ever. Amen. [Ephesians 3:19-21]