I am left in awe of how much pruning and growing I allowed myself to go through this month. It definitely was not easy. There were days where I really gave into temptations, to mean and dirty thoughts, to insecurities. I doubted myself so much. I doubted whether I was good enough for others, whether I would even pass my current classes with grades I was satisfied having, whether I would get out of this hell at the end of the month or in ten months (I was and still am hoping for a quick recovery, in Jesus’ name!!). I cried showers. It even showered from the sky (which I was praying for)! 

School is coming to an end. I literally have 11 days left of going to school. The stress is real. I feel so behind on so many things. I’m not a full-on procrastinator, but I do struggle with prioritizing. For me, I feel like everything is super important and belongs at the top of my to-do list. That may be so, but I know there are things that can wait to be done after the more urgent ones are finished. I feel behind on studying. Maybe I did have time to read my class textbook, maybe I did have time to write up a study guide. It felt like I didn’t, it felt like there was never enough time in the week to do all the things I wanted, or even needed, to do. I didn’t actually even want to do homework some days this month. All I wanted to do was read the three books I bought recently. Those books are so incredible. I really hate putting them down. They’re really helping me increase my knowledge as to how to battle my insecurities, how to crush them, how to lay it all at the feet of Jesus.

“Put God first” has become a constantly heard phrase this past month. I understand that if I do not prioritize God, if I do not put seeking Him at the top of my to-do list, I’m ripping at the seams. I’m learning where He fits in the equation. I’m learning to make use of the time I have and seek Him. I’m learning to take out five minutes of my day and put it into reading His Word. I’m learning He has a certain place in my life, and that place is His throne. He is the ruler of my life. But I struggle with it, too. I’ve been wanting to serve in church, and I keep getting calls and texts asking me about starting the volunteer process. I’m terrible because I keep putting it off. My excuse is “I’m really busy with school. Now is not a good time. Maybe when school is over.” There is so much conviction for that. I shouldn’t serve God when it’s convenience for me. I question it, “What if you family stuff? Do you really want to wake up that early and drive 40 minutes to go serve?” But enough is enough. I have to put God first in every area. That’s definitely something I can learn from this month. Time management and prioritizing.

Going back to the struggle with school, I kept questioning my major. Is it really the right one for me? Is this where God wants me? I haven’t been too sure because there have been so many new desires placed in my heart to serve God in so many other ways. If I have learned something, it is that I can do anything I want to do. I don’t have to stick to just one thing for the rest of my life. If God can give the woman in Proverbs 31 the ability to maintain several jobs, He can so the same for me. I can be a writer, a doctor, a speaker, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a mother, and a servant of God all at the same time. If it is God’s Will, He won’t let anything get in the way of that. I want to be considered available to serve Him in the ways He has called me to serve. I want to consider myself available to do all His Will for His Kingdom. I don’t want to tell God I am too busy. God is not an inconvenience, and I especially don’t want someone else to do the job God wanted me to do.

The Proverbs 31 woman has become my model. I want to have all the qualities she has. The Bible does not mention her name. It could be anyone, it could be me. It will be me. I know it. I want it to. I’m sure God wants me to live a life like hers. I wouldn’t have found that passage if it wasn’t for God. I wouldn’t be stirred by it if it wasn’t for God. The Word is living and totally relevant. It spoke into my life this month as a reminder that I am being transformed into her. I pray to God that April was the beginning to building the honorable woman God has called me to be, if He hadn’t already began back in January. I pray He continues to break any bondage I am unaware of, to restore what’s broken inside of me, to revive a heart on fire for Him, to mold me into the woman I know He wants me to be.

The Lord showered me with His unconditional love this past month. I constantly saw His grace poured over me. I saw His healing hand remove all sickness and pain. I saw His protecting arms shield me against any harm. I saw a new amount of faith be built. I saw more joy. I saw more peace this month. I saw the Lord in ways I’ve never seen Him before. In ways that left me in awe of Him. He leaves me wanting more of Him. I saw my need for Him. I need You, Father. I cannot do this without You. I surrender it all. I want to be more like You. I want Your heart. Thank You for all You have done, Father. Thank You for all You are doing, all You will do. Thank You for constantly providing. Thank You for this past month of growing. I know I still need lots of pruning. I pray You send more rain, metaphorically and literally. All praise, glory, and honor to You. I love You, Lord.