“Cleansing begins.
Winter is coming.
Time to be made new.” (excerpt from October; The Poem)

November has been a really difficult month to get through. September was the violent beginning. Winds have blowing too strong. Strong enough to knock me down. October was the harsh fall. November is the struggle to stand up. I’m trying so hard to get up…

Sometimes I feel like I am all on my own. Maybe that’s partly my fault because I haven’t let anybody know what has been happening. My excuse is that it is my battle and nobody will understand. Even if I do my best to explain what it is happening, I can’t… The only one who knows is my God. For the moments I feel so lonely, I do my best to immediately call upon God.

At this point, I am doing all I can to cling to God. I know I cannot do it on my own. I have tried to do it on my own and I have failed. Sometimes my initial reaction to something is to do it on my own, I admit. The more that falls apart before my very own eyes, the more I understand I cannot surpass something by my own strength. The more I rely on God to overcome something, the more I see that He is the Way. It doesn’t crumble when He is there leading me, holding my hand, through it all.

My battles are no longer my own when I give my life to God. He fights them for me. There is no such thing as failing with Him. It is always a victory when He is on my side. He is on my side. He has my back. When I stumble, He picks me right back up. He helps me dust off all the dirt and makes me new. No matter how many times I fall, be it my own fault or someone else’s, He always lifts me up.

I have seen that so much this month. I will be doing so well. Enjoying life. Not letting anything disturb my peace, then all of a sudden something comes along to knock me down. So maybe it is all my fault. Maybe anything that comes my way, I am in control of. I can control whether or not they hurt me or knock me down. Maybe I bring about all this to myself. Maybe I look for trouble on my own. That may be true, but in some cases I really have no control. I cannot control the way someone express their emotions towards me. I cannot control someone’s rage. I cannot control someone’s troubled mind. I cannot control someone’s brokenness. Yes, I can control how long someone goes on hurting me. I can control how I express my emotions. I can control a lot of things.

I cannot control these at my own will. I cannot control my emotions at my own will. On my own, I will never know when to say enough is enough. My life belongs to God, therefore only He controls these things. He helps me push aside any initial reactions of disturbance, sadness, or anger. He pours His peace on me and allows me to react the way He would. With grace. He knows when enough is enough. That is when He intervenes. He knows when I cannot the pain any longer. Yes, the pain feels unbearable at times. It feels so hard to deal with at this very moment. However, He constantly reminds me of who He is.

He is my Comforter. I relapsed this week. As I struggled with an episode late at night, I cried to Him. I begged Him to calm the episode. Within a matter of minutes, He did just that. I was able to fall asleep much faster than I normally would have. He is my Provider as well. I was not able to buy myself lunch recently due to my card getting declined. The Lord used a gentleman standing next me to provide for me. The guy paid for my meal. I didn’t have cash on me or even anyone to call for help. I wasn’t planning on eating that day, but something was tugging at me to go buy food. I believe that happened for a reason.

I am falling in love with God. He loves me tremendously. His love is never ending. His love doesn’t fail me. His love doesn’t forsake me. His love is perfect. I literally cry when I think about how good God has been to me even when I have been so cruel to Him. He never stops loving me. No matter how far I depart from His ways, His love catches up to me. No matter how stained I get from being apart from Him, His love cleanses me. His love removes all the dirt from me. His love picks me up when I fall. I stand in awe at who He is. (Sometimes I fall to my knees in praise, but that’s another story.)

He is cleaning me. He is making me new. Eventually, all this pain will fade. I will forgive all those who hurt me. I won’t be stained. I won’t be bruised. I’ll stand stronger than ever. Winter will come. Snow will fall. I will be as white as snow. Winter brings spring. Good things are coming. I trust in my Lord. My faith is in Him.

Things are far from perfect. I don’t feel good whatsoever. Everything aches. The pain is blinding. God finds ways to open my eyes through the pain. He reminds me that there is more. The pain is temporary. I will feel overwhelmed with everything right now. There is literally so much going on. I get so stressed out. Still, my God brings reminders: “Hold on. Wait upon Me. Come to Me. Let it go. Trust Me. Give it to Me. I have your back.” God knows I am only getting through this autumn with His help.

It was a struggle to even write all of this. It took me a good while to collect myself. Every other line I would break down. It has been by far the hardest autumn I have had to get through. I’m not able to do it on my own. I am learning to give it all to Him. I’m learning to seek Him first. I’m learning to run to Him at the very sight of danger. I’m learning to let Him have His way in me. I am learning to enjoy the pruning season. I am growing.