This is such a hard lesson to learn. It’s not something that is instilled in your brain from one day to the next. It’s been a roller coaster. I wish it was something that came with a snap of the fingers. Zap! Just like that… But it’s not.

Some days are easy enough. I wake up, I put on a good outfit, my hair’s cooperating, I eat well. I like who I see in the mirror and I go about my day perfectly fine. Other days are really tough. I wake up upset, I’ll dress fine, my hair won’t cooperate as well, I won’t eat well. I’ll hate who I see in the mirror. When I look in the mirror, I don’t just see the external. It’s mainly the internal. I’ll hate this and that about myself. I’ll criticize myself so harshly.

I want to shy away from that. I really want to be accepting of myself. Know that I am enough. Someone out there thinks I am enough. Someone out there loves me for me. It’s a hard concept to grab because I feel so flawed. I am so afraid.

I’m afraid love transform me and change my mindset. I’m afraid I’ll push people away because I can’t see whatever the heck it is they see. I’m afraid I’ll never fully love myself. 

How do you love yourself? Is there a guide? What works for people? Whispering something nice to themselves everyday? Taking care of the external? Do one kind thing for someone a day? What makes someone feel good about themselves? What raises their self-esteem?

I am trying to learn. I am trying to grow. But a flower can’t grow with out water and sunshine. I want a deluge of love. I want a heat wave of joy. I want to love myself.