“Forgiveness isn’t something we do for others. It’s something we do for ourselves.” – Someone who got what forgiveness, in its entirety, meant.

Back in March, I posted in detail my journey with asking others to forgive me for whatever wrong I had done. Knowing that so many people were willing to forgive me like that brought and still brings me great joy. But my struggle with forgiveness didn’t end there. It still continued as I struggled to forgive others and myself for any wrong.

A lot of people have hurt me in my life that, over time, I learned to forgive. I don’t like keeping tabs of all the wrongs someone has done to me. Keeping tabs permits me from fully forgiving someone. I guess it’s all part of the “forgive and forget” mantra. Anyways, if I do keep tabs, I don’t tell you. I jot whatever wrong you did to me in a score-book in my head. What I mean by “I don’t tell you” is that I don’t constantly remind you that that was a mistake you made. I don’t remind you of how you didn’t play by the rules that one time or how you much what you said that one time really hurt me. I used to be the type of person to hold serious grudges. When I would get mad over something, I would get mad. Really angry. I would hold it against you. And I’d let you know in many different forms how angry I was with you. I don’t like getting mad like that anymore. Hopefully others can say I don’t get mad like that. I do get upset and disappointed. I do dwell. But there is a difference in dwelling and holding grudges… Or so I think there is. Because I don’t dwell on it forever. I know the moment will eventually pass and that I will have to move on sometime. I think I dwell much longer than some would expect. I absolutely hate that I dwell on stuff much longer than they should be. I am sincerely trying to change that.

Quite a few people have hurt me recently. Some don’t know they have and others have some concept of how much they hurt me. No matter how much someone says that they know and understand the pain and heartbreak you are dealing with, I feel like they actually don’t. Even if they have experienced something similar, they can never experience that same exact pain. That’s just what I think though. Anyways, it’s been a lot easier forgiving those who don’t know they hurt me than it has been forgiving those who know. I guess it’s harder because it’s like “You know you hurt me but you’re not really doing anything to make up for that pain. You’re not really trying to fix it or anything. You keep adding to the hurt and I keep letting you add to it.” I guess that’s kind of a bad way to think of things because people shouldn’t really have to make anything up to you. Also, maybe nothing they do will make up for it.

That is my struggle with people who know they have recently hurt me. I’m trying so hard to fully forgive them. I want to forgive them. But in my mind, I am keeping score when I shouldn’t be. And maybe the reason I am keeping score is because I continue to let those people do me wrong the same way. Maybe I am forgiving them, though. Maybe I am forgiving them in such a way that I will allow the person to hurt me. Maybe I am forgiving them so much that I continue to be vulnerable in order to have meaningful relationship with them. However, some would say that that’s bad. Some have told me that a person shouldn’t be allowed to hurt someone like that. Some have even said that I personally don’t deserve the wrongs the other people have done to me. Maybe both I and the others need to learn to stop making the same choices. They need to learn to stop making the choice to do me wrong in such a way, and I need to learn to stop letting that person do me that kind of wrong.

There’s this saying that says “Fool me one time, shame on you. Fool me two times shame on me,” but someone else said “Fool me one time, shame on you. Fool me two times, shame on you.” As confusing as that is, maybe both are correct. We should forgive often. But we also need to be wary. We can’t let ourselves get abused like that. Honestly this whole thing confuses me. I am also sure I have confused whoever is reading this by now (so sorry if I have). I guess what I am trying to get at in general is that I really want to forgive the people for hurting me, and I am on the road to doing so! However, I haven’t quite fully gotten there. I am really sorry to those who have done me wrong for not being fully able to forgive them. It is preventing me from fully connecting with them. Connecting with them and having a healthy relationship with them is all I want.

Also, in not fully forgiving those who have hurt me, it has cost me my health and possibly sanity (others may debate that I lost most of my sanity ages ago). It has stunted my growth. I am not moving completely forward like I should be. I can honestly say that I love those who have hurt me. But love is forgiveness. Please don’t tell me that I don’t love those people because I haven’t forgiven them completely. I really do love them, and I think the fact that I am working towards forgiving them means I love them.

My dad said that if I was going to get better, I would have to forgive others. Others including myself. It is so hard to move on because I can’t fully forgive myself. Not being able to fully forgive myself has also cost me my health.

Some people keep track of all the wrongs you have done. They constantly remind you of how terrible you made them feel. That really affects me because in a way, it makes me feel like I am someone much worse than I really am. I am really not as bad as those wrongs would make me seem. My wrongs aren’t me. I am a much better person than that. It also makes it really hard to change because you try so hard to change but others make you feel like you can’t change. It’s like “Maybe that is who I am. Maybe I can’t change that part of me. No amount of trying will ever cause that to change.” It is discouraging. But it encourages me to keep trying. I don’t like settling. I don’t think I have to settle. I think I can really change if I just start doing things differently. But then it’s also like “I feel like I have changed, but how can I prove to them I have if they won’t give me a chance?” If you’re still confused, don’t worry, so am I.

So maybe that’s why forgiveness is important. Someone’s wrongs aren’t them. Someone may not be as bad as their wrongs. They can be a much better person. Forgiving them and letting them know how they hurt you exactly can help someone get better. Hopefully you both can woks towards not repeating the same mistake. There should be room to change for the better and both parties should feel secure enough that they will receive help and support to change. I think that’s what makes a great relationship. This is what I want in my relationships.

I want both me and the other person to feel as comfortable and safe as possible. That won’t happen until I fully forgive myself and others. I think I am on the brink though. I can feel it. I am almost there. In writing this, I feel like I have gotten a lot closer to that, too. I guess that’s why they say forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. I’m getting it, just like whoever said that got it. Don’t say I am not learning because I totally am.