I learned that if I ever wanted to get better from all the hurt I have experienced, my wounds needed to heal. The only way that was going to happen was if I learned to forgive those who have hurt me and forgive myself for allowing such pain to accumulate and grow into worse things.

I actually did not realize that forgiveness was the first step in becoming a better person. I was going about becoming better all wrong. I was hurting people along the way. It was making things a lot worse. It made me feel a lot worse. 

I knew that I had to get rid of the shame that I felt. Some shame I felt was brought on by some people, other shame I brought on myself. As February was coming to an end, I realized I needed to forgive myself for the shame I have allowed to hide who I really am. I examined my past and remembered the first time I felt ashamed – that went as far as preschool. Because I started feeling shame at such a young age, I realized it caused me to become a really angry child. I thought about all the people I felt anger towards as a child; obviously, those people ended up being my family. When I figured that my actions as an angry child probably hurt my family, I felt a huge need to ask them for forgiveness.

Asking your parents for forgiveness is actually really hard to do when you’re a prideful teen. It’s kind of like admitting defeat. Nobody really wants to, especially not to their parents (or that’s at least how I feel… I hope I’m not alone on this one). To ask your parents for forgiveness has to be one of the most humbling experiences. I wasn’t admitting defeat though; I was admitting that I screwed up. I was owning up to the mistakes I made.

Sunday night of March 1st, I asked both of my parents if I could talk to them. By the time I asked, I was already in tears. My mom thought something really bad happened to someone close to me and got scared. I reassured her, saying that everything was fine with them. The three of us were sitting and they were just staring at me waiting to say what I needed to say. It took a while to actually spit out the words “Please forgive me for hating you.” They were confused and I explained to them exactly why I grew anger and hatred towards each of them as a child. Needless to say, more tears were shed. I was embraced with love and acceptance and most of all, forgiveness. They then proceeded to apologize for ever hurting me and being “bad parents.” In all honesty, I have the best parents. I can never call them bad. I told them I forgave them both, which led to more tears and hugs. I told them I needed to ask my two sisters for forgiveness next, so they let me do so.

I exited their room only to enter my little sister’s room. She was busy working on an art project so I told her she could just listen to what I had to say. Before I knew it, I was crying again. The words were at the tip of my tongue but they did not want to leave. She got up from working and came to sit next to me. I was finally able to tell her that I was so sorry for ever causing her pain because of the way I was. I knew that a lot of my actions caused not so good reactions on her part. I asked her to forgive me and I told her that I was extremely sorry for letting a lot of her words get the best of me when she didn’t actually mean them the way I thought she did. She was so comforting and accepting. She said there was no need to apologize because she had forgotten about it all. 

I did not talk to my older sister right after talking to my little sister, because she wasn’t in the house yet. So I thought about more people I needed to ask to forgive me. A decent list came to mind. 

The first person on that list was not someone I had ever had a conversation with. A lot happened involving her that made me feel angry towards her. So I hit up the person I knew that is closest to her and asked him to ask her if I could meet her and talk to her. It wasn’t likely that it was going to happen given certain circumstances, so I told the person closest to her to tell her everything I was sorry for. I told him to tell her that I didn’t expect her to forgive me but I just wanted her to know that I was asking for it. He told her right away, and from what he told me about her reaction, it was more positive than negative. Apparently, she is supposed to get back to me. So we’ll see what happens there.

The next person I needed to ask for forgiveness from was someone I grew fond of the previous year but completely shut out of my life in the fall with no explanation. I haven’t seen the person in months so I sent them a text explaining how sorry I was that I left the way I did and that I never bothered to hit the person up during that time. I also asked them to forgive me for expecting them to initiate the conversation. He was so accepting as well and told me I never hurt him in first place (and there was a lot more but, I hope you get the point). 

I also felt compelled to apologize to a very dear friend of mine that has happened to always be there for me even when he and I wouldn’t talk for a very long time. I consider him my spiritual mentor. I sent him a text saying that I was so sorry for any hurt I have ever caused him. He responded by saying that I was forgiven a long time ago. That was so reassuring. By this time my older sister had come to the house.

My older sister was also busy working on homework when I went to go chat with her. I told her I needed to talk. Immediately, she stopped her work to listen to what I had to say. In the past years, my sister and I have butted heads. She thought I hated her, which maybe I did but I knew I didn’t like her. I was constantly annoyed by her. Most recently, I have been growing to love her and accept her just the way she is. Our relationship has improved drastically these last couple months. There have been other times where I have asked her to forgive me and this time wasn’t so hard because I knew it was in her nature to forgive me because she truly loves me. I told her how sorry I was for everything I had done to her and for letting everything she did make me not like her. She apologized for not being the best example. There were more tears on my part. It was really nice to know that she was so willing to be like that for me. She is such a beautiful lady. Both my sisters are. I love them to pieces. They’re the best!

I had a feeling March 2nd was going to be a lot harder because there was going to be some people I knew I had to face to ask for forgiveness. I didn’t know how it was going to play out. I had three people in mind that day to ask forgiveness from; unfortunately, I only did two.

The first person I needed to apologize to is someone who has become extremely dear to me. This person’s friendship grew to mean everything to me. Things weren’t headed in the direction we first intended them to go. It was a mutual agreement to distance ourselves from each other. We both need to be healthier people to make that friendship grow and prosper. This person didn’t deserve the way I ended up treating them. I am still learning to forgive myself for the pain I have inflicted on them. I asked them to forgive me and explained to the very last detail about how I felt. I told them I hoped we wouldn’t be so distant. I also told them I didn’t expect to be forgiven right away. I just needed them to know I was truly sorry. By how today went, I think we are heading towards good terms? We’ll see how that progresses. 

The second person I asked to forgive was someone who I gave a lot of myself to. It was the most unhealthy situation I have put myself in. It was negatively affecting who I was. I withdrew myself from that in a really wrong way. I knew I could have gone about fixing it better, but I didn’t. I sought this person out and asked them to forgive me for being so angry at them. For making me think I wasn’t enough. For regretting such unhealthy situation. This person explained to me how they felt and I apologized for making them feel that way. They were accepting. I also asked if we were able to be friends from here on out, which they also accepted. 

The day ended and I felt greatly at peace. However, I still had one last person that knew I needed to ask to forgive me. So today, I sought this person out.

I apologized to her for letting a lot of easily correctable things get in the way of our friendship. I told her I realized there was a lot I could have done to actually pursue the friendship so that it didn’t just end the way it did. I told her I did not expect for our friendship to pick up right where we left it, but I did hope that we can start to form something again. She, along with everyone else, accepted my apology.

It has brought me a lot of joy knowing that all these people have forgiven me. But my apologies don’t end with the last one. They end with whoever is reading that I have hurt. I am so incredibly sorry for my actions. I take full responsibility. I obviously didn’t know what impact my actions had on you. I am sorry if I ever said anything to hurt you. I was probably rattled by a lot of different things and didn’t realize what I was saying. I hope you can forgive me. Sorry that I could have been a better friend to you. Please forgive me. 

I am healing. I am learning to forgive myself, but this has made it a lot easier. Asking for forgiveness may seem scary but more times than not, the person is willing to forgive. And if they aren’t, have peace in your heart because you did your part.