Is there a place you go to meet Jesus? In your mind. As you close your eyes, what do you see? What does it look like? Who is there, if anybody? What are you doing? What emotions come up? What do you hear? These are one of the practices I have where I go and be with Jesus in prayer. When I know He wants to meet with me, and feel Him beckoning me into our very own secret place.
It isn’t always sunshine and rainbows in there. Sometimes it gets desolate, dark, and lonely. For most of my battle with depression/suicidal ideations/anxiety, it was dark. One day I was able to see the images of each. One was a dark blob. Another was a spiraling cloud. Another one, a floating silhouette.
But as the battles were fought (or so I thought – let’s hold onto this for later), I gained new images. One day I saw them floating around me as I sat a table (Psalm 23 reference). Then I saw a fierce Lion staring them down. Suddenly everything settled, and I saw them no more.
For a very long time, our secret place was no longer filled with darkness. It was either younger me or present me in a field of flowers, surrounded by a bright light. Sometimes the Lion came to visit. The Lion has ever been so gentle with me. Those visits often were of me cuddling the Lion, laying in the field with Him. Once, we were laying on our backs and laughing in hysterics. How precious!
If I’m honest though… in the recent months, there started to grow a darkness. Suddenly, my secret place was invaded by a spiral figure. Then a dark and looming cloud filled the sky. Anxiety, more so fear, came in. It started with the fear of being misunderstood. Then it came with grief. The fear turned into anxiety and socializing became so hard. Finding a spot for myself became harder and harder. The lies grew and often cut me off from enjoying myself. Anxiety can be so crippling when we let it ruminate. The anxiety pushed me into a corner to hide. That’s when anxiety said, “don’t let anyone in.” And if I let people in, I was afraid the same darkness would consume them. And if I let people in, would they still want me all the same? If I claimed to have overcome and here we go back to it, wouldn’t I be considered a failure? Can you imagine maybe yourself or someone else in a fetal position crouching, afraid? That’s how it has felt emotionally.
Then one day in therapy, my perspective of our secret place changed. The darkness was still there, but I started seeing something else in there. I began to notice Jesus crouching there with me, holding the same pain I had. He showed me His consistent presence over every time I ever found myself physically or emotionally in such a position. Then He called me further, to see the bigger picture. That’s when I noticed He was consuming the darkness. He never brought the darkness. He has always cried and ached with me through it. Mending my heart, and fighting every lie with the truth of His Word. He has kept His promise to never leave me nor forsake me.
Micah 7:8
Do not rejoice over me, my enemy;
when I fall, I will arise;
when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me.
He never once rushed me out of the pain. He is the sweetest gentleman. The most patient and protecting. So as the cloud lifts – because it is and will continue to – I will sit with Jesus. When it’s time to rise, we’ll brush ourselves off. And my relationships? I am learning to bring them into this. Who am I to not let others in when they want to love on me? There is no fear in love. May intimacy grow without fear. May vulnerability grow without shame.
Whatever darkness you find yourself in today, remember Jesus is the light and the darkness has not overcome Him (John 1:5). He loves you. He sees you. He’s with you. He’s got you cupped in the palm of His hand and will never let you go.
I leave you with Psalms of 23 and 27. Peace be with you, sweet friend. Shalom: nothing missing and nothing broken.
Psalm 23
1 The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.
Psalm 27
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
3 Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.
4 One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in his temple.
5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
6 And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.
11 Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!