After a recent conversation with my mom about collateral damage created from our choices, I thought about all the ways I’ve been hurt by others that have created chains around who I am and what I am meant to be. I wanted to take this time to be open and honest about everything that has ever been used to hurt me, whether intentional or not on the other’s behalf. For many reasons, I tried to stay vague and give no names even though some things might be more obvious than others. Names don’t need to be attached to actions. I want this to be about letting it all go. Letting it surface and be wiped away by the blood of Jesus rather than hiding it out of shame.

0-10

You were the first two people to reject me. I can’t even remember your names. You made me feel like an outsider. No one should know what loneliness feels like at such a young age.

Like most relationships, they get difficult, so I don’t blame you. It was just really hard for me to see you two fight; it still stings when you do. Then you constantly threatened to leave us. I wonder if it hurt you to hear me scream with such sadness.

You would hit me when I misbehaved. I misbehaved because I didn’t feel like you loved me enough. Your words weren’t always so kind. You said such mean things to me, labeling me. To you, I was selfish. To you, I was angry. All I ever wanted was to know you loved me no matter what I did.

You touched me in ways a little girl should never be touched. I blamed myself for letting you, but I was so young. How could I have known? And I wasn’t your only victim. From then on, I began doing things I should have never been doing in the first place.

You said you were grateful you don’t have me as a daughter. You would be lucky to have me as one. I’m grateful she raised me and not you.

11-15

It felt like you abandoned us. I didn’t want to talk to you because you were the one person who promised to stay. You got mad at me when I would get so angry with both of you. It was then when I started wishing I was never alive in the first place. I was so angry with the world, I am surprised I still made friends.

You lied to me for so long. We had conversations no middle schooler should be having. I never listen and am always left to face the consequences.

Your comment was the second time I felt like a sexual object. From then on I was a “minx.”

16-19

It was on my birthday when they told me you left. I cried so hard because you weren’t supposed to leave. Everyone cried. They didn’t tell me until much later what other things you did. I had seen you not that long ago and nothing made sense because it looked like everything was fine. A lesson that our outward appearances are deceiving. I prayed so hard for your return. Still am. One time I was over, I grew so afraid of what you were capable of doing to me as if I never knew you. I hope you remember Whose you are soon.

You were my friend. I never saw it coming. No one would know how shameful I felt for something I never asked for.

You were the first person I comprised my values for. I even knew it wouldn’t last. You were the first person I felt like I had to give something away to keep.

They had no idea the can of worms they opened up when they told me you liked me. I spent my birthday trying things for the first time.

I was so close to you and your family and then apparently I wasn’t good enough. Slowly my self esteem began to fade.

I thought you were so charming when I first met you. I didn’t listen to the red flag when you told me that you were talking to someone else. So began a terrible habit. I gave it up so easily out of fear of losing you and you were never actually mine. I still cannot comprehend why I thought we needed to make amends. I should have kept you out of my life. I’m grateful for false alarms.

I was already stressed out with school. Some days I had so much work, I didn’t eat. I even tried throwing up. You looked at my physical appearance without concern for my emotional health. I cannot blame you for not knowing what life was really like in my head. You didn’t know I was seeking professional help. You didn’t know I was taking medication. You didn’t know I thought of killing myself. Some days it was so hard to breathe. How could you have known this went on when I was silent?

You did so much damage in two years. You told me there was someone else and again I didn’t listen to the red flag. We couldn’t just stay friends. You were filled with nice words. We picked at each other’s brains. I thought I finally found someone I could relate the most with. I tried new things that I should have never tried. I grew addicted to many things. I am grateful for the adventures, the laughs, the good things I tried with you like flying a kite. You had the chance to try life with so many other girls and you took it. You got the smallest glimpse of my hurt when I got with someone else. I gave you everything I had to offer. It hurt when you couldn’t support or fully help me when the attacks came. In all honesty, the pain you caused made me want to kill myself because death seemed better than being heartbroken. I craved security but I was never going to find that with you. You were finding ways to be independent. I left with no explanation, but I know we both had to learn to fly. I always pray for your soul. You’re a miracle, I hope you’re not wasting moments. Your family is amazing and I truly miss you all. I just had to trust that God takes care of every one of His children. It was never my job in the first place.

20-21

I left it all to follow Jesus. It was sad when you didn’t bother calling or texting, but I wasn’t going to chase after you any longer.

I gave myself up again to keep you. I didn’t expect you to be a man before and I had no right expecting you to be one after. You said to keep it between us. Slowly, what seems like the world, found out. My business was out there. I was upset because it never felt like you cared. I could have lost it all if it wasn’t for the timing of it. Recovering and learning from it was the hardest seven months. May you see me and remember to treat her better. She deserves the best.

I was chosen for this position; I did not chose it. I had to learn how to move past all kinds of things. When you told me I was not serving with excellence, when I had to keep my opinions to myself, when you belittled me for my age, I had to learn this was less about me and more about you.

They told me to quit. They look at me and probably question what someone my age is doing behind that counter. I honestly don’t know everything and thank God I don’t because that just means He’s getting the glory because it is all Him. No one else was built for this. I was predestined for things bigger than myself.

You try to constantly bring up my past. You attempt to isolate me. People have come and gone in my life and you do whatever you can to keep me from doing life with others. To keep me afraid. Afraid of being hurt again. Afraid that I am not enough for people. Afraid to let them in and see the scars. And everything I did, you made it seem like I called it all upon myself. As if I asked to get this hurt. But it is deeper and darker than people being unaware of how much damage they do to others. This is and has always been a spiritual fight.

I am not my past. I am not too young. I am not too inexperienced. I am not too small. I am not dirty. I am not what he has made me believe for so long.

I am enough. I always have been enough and I always will be enough because the One who is enough created me in His image. He most definitely loves me no matter what I do, no matter what I have done, no matter what I have yet to do.

I know, too, that I have hurt others. May you find it in your heart to forgive me for any pain I have caused you. I have no excuse.

If you’ve read this far and have experienced something traumatic that has made you feel shameful, I encourage you to reach out. I am always available to talk. No more hiding. No more walking in shame.