What a time to be alive. Injustice has been done to my black brothers and sisters for generations. Brave lives have constantly fought for justice. This time around, the sound rings louder. The world is uniting and putting their foot down.

This semester of college has made me reflect the most on myself and what I stand for. I was privileged enough to have a black professor that was willing to walk with me and guide me into checking my heart. She showed me ways to influence others. June 2nd was asked by some to be a “blackout.” The purpose was to show solidarity. The following actions were to mute our own non-black content, making room for the voices of our black brothers and sisters to be heard. I challenged myself to post content from black creators for a week. I challenged myself to sit and reflect on my own actions, and to listen to the voices that are hurting.

This is what I learned:

1. Racism, oppression, and violence are demonic spirits.
2. All lives will not matter until black lives matter.
3. Be quick to listen.
4. Speak the truth even if your voice is shaken.
5. You won’t gain everyone’s approval all the time.
6. You may not understand everything, nor agree with every method.
7. Just because you don’t experience something doesn’t mean it does not exist.
8. Heart-work is hard work.
9. It is okay to stop and recharge, but remember to begin again.
10. God loves this hurting world so much.

I had a lot of conversations this week. I listened to the stance and thought process of blacks and non-blacks. I had to sit with myself and check my heart. These are the honest questions that I asked myself:

1. Where have I appropriated black culture?
2. Why was I fighting to say the n-word so bad as a Hispanic?
3. How can I appreciate black talent?
4. Am doing this to participate in some sort of “black spirit week”?
5. Why am I not participating in protests?
6. What is behind my personal trauma?
7. Where was the start of their trauma?
8. How do they live in daily fear of their own lives?
9. What was it about George Floyd that made this different from all the other times we said “enough was enough”?
10. Are we making a martyr out of a criminal?
11. Who is undeserving of second chances?
12. Aren’t I undeserving of some of the “second” chances I have been given?
13. What will happen at the end of this week?
14. Is this a moment in time for me or a movement?
15. How can I move forward with change?
16. When will things go back to “normal”?
17. What is “normal”?

I pray to God we do not go back to “normal”. I do not want to go back to the way things were last week, two weeks ago, even last month. I want better. I want healing. I want fear to be cast out. I want less room for jealousy and greed. I want more room for love. I want more room for Jesus.

I want God. In every area of my life. Because God knows I am not perfect, but I sure do need Him.