The thoughts that have consumed my mind these last couple of weeks have been annoying, scary, and suffocating. What thoughts would those be? In all honesty (with no care if the person reads this), they are memories of a relationship I got out of almost 6 months ago now. These memories would be better classified as all the pain and hurt I endured while being in that unhealthy relationship. I have seen myself get so bitter over these thoughts.

It’s annoying because this is such a long healing process. I thought I was over it in April when I realized I was holding onto a lot of objects from our relationship with sentimental value. I threw away, deleted, and shredded so many memories. It wasn’t just enough that I stopped talking to him; I had to get rid of everything. I mean, there were some good times, but it was all so unhealthy. It wasn’t what I deserved, let alone what God wanted for me. All that seems to be left is the ghost of him.

Lately, I find myself tiptoeing around as if he’ll pop back up and just let loose with his words. The thought that he can hurt me with just his words has scared me. He has hurt me that way before, and I feel he is capable of doing it again. I left this relationship with no explanation, and I’ve just been imagining the hurt he could be feeling. It sucks because I know what he can do when he’s hurting… But then it’s like he hurt me often for two years, and I just took every punch that was thrown at me (the punches weren’t literal, I promise).

I don’t know what prompted him to do all that he did to me in those two years. He was fighting his own demons, as was I. And I have come to understand that. I cannot fully hold all that against him. He probably won’t even contact me to let out his pain. He may never even contact me again, and that’s okay. I don’t need him to. I personally don’t plan on contacting him. I honestly didn’t think I would get over him, but I have. Sure it’s a process, but I want to be completely healed. I want to fully move on. And if I ever encounter him, I want to make sure I’m not holding onto anything, so I can respond to him properly, not for his sake but for mine.

If you’re reading this, maybe you don’t fully know everything that you did to me, but I forgive you. For everything.