As a senior in high school, all things college is a constant topic of discussion. We’re forced to ask ourselves, “What school do I want to go to? Where would I apply? How much would it cost? How will I pay for it? Do I qualify for this or that? What happens if I don’t get into the school I want? What is my plan B? Do I really want to major in this subject?” These questions have caused me so much stress.

My dad has always emphasized the importance of education and choosing a good career. I have always known that I want to go to college; but the closer I get to graduation, I’m not so sure anymore. 

I applied only to four schools: CSU LA, CSU Fullerton, CSU San Marcos, and San Diego State. I would prefer acceptance into LA or Fullerton rather than the other two – it’s the distance thing. It’s funny because when I first started high school, I wanted to leave the state completely. I wanted to go to Texas, Washington, Illinois, even Australia (all these places had really good optometry programs). I didn’t want to stay put. Now, I want to. I love LA and I’m scared to leave the city and my parents. Oh, the comfort of having my parents close by! I would have actually applied to more schools but the application process became very stressful because of all the schoolwork I had to do on top of that.

I’ve been really wanting to become an optometrist (eye doctor) for a really long time. To become one, that would literally take about 8 years. At first, I was so willing to spend those 8 years studying; now, I’m not so sure. I think I am losing uncertainty because I haven’t heard anything from LA or Fullerton. I have yet to receive an acceptance letter (if I do get accepted). I guess it’s just really discouraging to see so many people get responses from both and I haven’t received anything whatsoever. 

I think that discouragement is what is making me want to take the first semester off. I am just starting to see myself lose so much interest in starting school right away. I want to take the first semester off and travel. I don’t know, but I really want to go to Mexico or something and volunteer at an orphanage. There’s just always been a big calling in my life, I feel, to go and serve the less fortunate. 

That’s part of why I want to be an optometrist. There is a major need around the world. Vision problems prevent people from doing a lot of things. I really want to work with certain organizations and travel around and do that. I know 8 long years of college would soon be rewarded with the satisfaction of helping others.

However, I have never been so set on the whole “biology major.” I actually could care less about biology. It doesn’t really interest me. I tolerate English the most out of all school subjects. I love writing. I love that I created this blog to express myself in writing. I love that I currently keep two journals. Ever since I was younger, I have kept journals.

I sometimes don’t see the point in wasting pretty much two years doing general ed in college. It’s like “I know what I want to do. Why can’t I just take the classes I directly need to reach that career goal?” I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m actually not in college. But I feel like if I were in college, I would still feel the same? Correct me if I’m wrong.

To make matters worse, every teacher in high school likes to scare the bananas out of you. Someone said high school was this four year audition for college. It’s true. Teachers tell you, “Oh if you can’t handle this, good luck in college. Maybe college isn’t right for you if you think this is too much work.” I don’t think my problem is “Oh, wow. The work is going to be never ending. Screw college.” I wouldn’t have wanted to be an optometrist and be willing to deal with school for 8 more years if I thought that way. I think now it’s a matter of, “Will I truly be happy?”

I don’t want to be stuck doing something I’ll regret. I want to do what I love and makes me happy. Like yes helping people in that way will, wow, be so great, but is that really where I was called to help people? Yes, I can help others at all times and in so many ways. I honestly have no clue anymore, though.

I’m just hoping something comes in the mail between now and the end of March. Maybe that will bring back motivation to pursue a career in optometry. Or maybe I will actually end up changing my major. Who knows?

While being impatient for my responses, I began to doubt myself a little. Never let a college acceptance letter do that to you. You are more than that letter. Whether a college accepts you or not, it doesn’t mean you are not good enough.

Everything is so unclear right now. My future is a little unclear. But that’s okay. Little by little. We slowly progress. Whatever happens, I know that all things will work together for my good.

Shout-out to all the people that have told me that it’s going to be okay and that I just need to be patient. Your words are sticking.