There are 5 days left of 2019. I write to you in fear and frustration. I write to you with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I really wish I could have treated you better all these years. This year sucked. Your good days can probably be totaled to 3 weeks. 3 out of 52 weeks in a year.

Right now, you’re angry. The sadness has turned into anger. It’s bleeding into just about every nook and cranny that it can reach. It’s showing how broken you are from this year. You are so far down the hole.

I have no words to encourage you. It feels like I’m abandoning you and I am sorry. I have nothing to motivate you. I can’t even tell you these feelings and events have purpose.

The excuses have run out.

It’s been two years since the following was written. Viewer discretion advised.

I don’t understand. You tell me You’ll give me peace that surpasses all understanding, so why the hell does it feel like my peace has just been robbed? Why the fuck did you create these emotions that are ever so changing?? How the fuck do you expect me to trust You when You created me in this most complex way. No, not wonderfully, rather terribly. I’m a mess, and they say You don’t want to leave me a mess. Well how come I don’t fucking see You making a move?? I’m trying so hard to move on and get past all this bullshit but I feel like zero progress was made. How the fuck are you celebrating my every step? I took a step backwards and fell into this fucking depression. How can I get better when You let me go through days like that? Why let me hate myself so much??

It was in my drafts because I was afraid of how raw it was. I was afraid of the curse words. The pit always does something to me. It’s been two years and those same feelings are felt again. I think the exact same thing. What gets me more upset is that I’ve fallen into a pit once more. How long will it take until I get out of this one? I can blame God or I can blame myself for getting to this point, but the only one truly capable of getting me out is Him. I’m sinking and I don’t even know how to swim.

Part of me was really looking forward to 2020 and all the things that you would accomplish. But at the moment, all I feel is fear. Everywhere I look there’s a reason to give up.

Part of me wishes there was a reset button. The pain and the memories of the last 10 years haunt me. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. You don’t deserve this.

All I want for you is to live a life free of comparison. A life filled with joy. A life where your soul dances without a care in the world. A life filled with peace. A life you can look back on and be proud of. I only want what’s best for you.

Every day from here on out has to be different from the years before.