I have wished to be 18 for so long. I remember being 14 and writing in my journal (“diary”) how desperately I wished to be 18. I thought that was the age when everything fell into place. I thought it was the age I would have everything I could ever want. I thought I would be conquering the world at 18. However, I never stopped to think about how much I would experience in less than 4 years and a half.

The word to describe what I have been feeling lately is énouement. Énouement meaning the bitter-sweetness of having arrived in the future; seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self; where you can finally get the answers to how things turn out in the real world.

Here’s a little something I wish I could tell myself when I was 14.

Dearest Amy,

I don’t think everything has fallen into place, but there sure are a lot of things that have come together in your favor. I wouldn’t say they’ve come together nicely. You did experience a hell of a lot of difficulties, the road wasn’t always easy. You don’t think it’s possible, but boys can lie to you. I am still not quite sure why they would ever bend the rules to break your heart like that, but it will happen. Before you enter high school you will have experienced just how stupid some boys can be. It won’t be the only time. There’s going to be plenty more where that came from. You’re going to give a lot of yourself up to a lot of stupid boys. You should count all you have as lost. There are a lot of temporary things in life. You’ll be moving back to California and have to start all over, just as you did when you moved to Texas. Some of the friendships you have made in elementary won’t be the same when you return. There will be a ton of friendships that will crumble. Some you should have done a much better job to keep; others crumbled because they let it crumble. Some friends are great to keep close by, others will really ruin you. They can ruin the image you were created in. You had to let those go. Don’t worry, the handful of close friends you have will help you be a better you. You will question your faith in God countless times. Someday you will understand that without Him, you are nothing. You are ruined. Sometimes you will make choices that do not resemble Him, but His grace binds to your imperfections. He loves you for you. You are made in His image. His image is good. He works all things together for your good. He wants you to prosper and to honor Him. He is on your side through the calm and through the storm because of the God He is. You are doing the best you can at 18. You gave your life to Him because He gave it all for you. You must want to place your faith in Him because He never falls short, no matter how many times you do. He created you a specific way. It pains me to say this, but you will really question every inch of you. You will think you’re inadequate. You will think that you are not pretty enough. Smart enough. Funny enough. Tall enough. Voluptuous enough. Kind enough. Humble enough. You’ll be called names. Some will say you’re mean, and you will definitely act mean. Some won’t want you the way you wish they would. You’ll think you’re unlikable. You’ll hate your frizzy waves. You’ll think you’re too skinny. You’ll try to gain weight. It won’t work because you will always hate seeing a certain number on the scale. You’ll hate your crooked teeth. You’ll hate your unevenly tan, yet light skin. You’ll hate the way you’ll stop looking your actual age. I really hate to say how much you’ll hate the person you become at some points. You’re going to fall into severe anxiety. Which will lead to a stress unlike any other. 

Although all that is really depressing, I want you to know there are ton of great days. At 18, you’ll graduate. Get your permit. Get your dream car. Get accepted into college and not have to pay a single dime for it. You will come to terms with yourself and your Creator. He will show you all that there is to love about you. You won’t need a boy to tell you what is great about yourself, because you’ll know. You are one of the silliest people I know. You are intelligent (even though when you first tried to type “intelligent” it showed a red squiggle under it; I never said you’d be a great speller). You are kind. You’ve got a laugh that everyone really enjoys hearing. You impact those around you more than you know. You are greatly loved and cherished. You must understand that if your boobs or butt were any bigger, you’d be disproportionate. Your smile will straighten out through the help of braces. You may never grow in stature, but that won’t keep your heart from growing. You love people like crazy. You were created with a purpose. Your Creator knew what He was doing. You are a work of art. A work in progress. You are becoming the person you were created to be and it is the greatest experience ever. 

Don’t live in bitterness. Don’t live in regret. Everything happens for a reason. There is a purpose. There is a plan. Some days are going to be more hazy than others. Some days won’t be the best days ever. Some days are going to be mediocre. Some days are going to be beyond great. Some days will bring more growth than others. Guard your dignity. You are worth more than you know. You are royalty. You have destiny. Be true to yourself always. You are growing. You are learning. The journey doesn’t end here. You are more precious than rubies. Never forget that. You inhabit a wonderful body. You are a wonderful human being. Amy Lynette… beloved little beauty, I love you so much more than you know.

Bon voyage,

Eighteen & Experienced