I had completely forgotten about it’s arrival. Three days in and its barely hitting me.

If you must know, I hate every October that have lived through. Every year is the exact same. Bringing major tribulations, a lot of angst and countless wishes for time to fly by.

It’s thirty one days of a roller coaster. Each day unsure if I’ll feel content or beyond stressed. It happens literally every October. This month is cursed for me. I thought it would be a good month because life has been fairly well lately. Up until yesterday.

Already on the second, I’m breaking. I was flooded with thoughts of self-hatred. Discontentment. Tears just poured down my face. It’s really hard to love myself. I wish I knew how to fully love myself. I’m eighteen, in college, and I still don’t accept myself? I don’t think that’s how it should be. I’m really struggling to view myself differently. I’m sure I’ll get there someday, as much as I wish it was now.

I know it’s going to be a hard month to get through. There’s already so much on my calendar that’s stressing me out. I’m trying not to stress out about them until the day comes, but just the thought of knowing this is just another October to add to the list makes me mad.

I’d like someday to have a lovely October. To enjoy the leaves changing color. To enjoy the colder nights. To enjoy the pumpkins everywhere. To have one great moment in the month that makes me appreciate October.

My current mindset is if I’ve gotten through 18 ugly Octobers, I can get through one more. Not sure how good or bad the mindset is…

So I now bless this month with positive words: May this October bring plenty of growth, a heat wave of joy, a deluge of love, and tons of satisfaction.