I think it’s a little time for honesty if I want to be anywhere near to recovering and absolutely ready for the man I am supposed spend the rest of my life with. So this is it. A story about sex, love, but not drugs unless you think love is a drug…

It’s really hard to resist any attraction you have with someone. I think as kids we start to develop that state of being attracted to someone. So that’s where I’ll begin the story. When I was a kid.

I cannot begin to describe the amount of crushes I developed as an elementary kid. I was jumping from guy to guy every school year (Sometimes I crushed on more than one guy at a time). Constantly craving the full attention of a guy.

*Can I just take a moment to say this is not some Freud type stuff about the father complex because my father has always been around and not once have I had to fight for his attention as described with girls who have “daddy issues.” I don’t know what the heck makes me crave the attention and affection of boys but it’s not a lack of my dad being a father to me.*

Some people will tell you stories of them having relationships in elementary, but I assure you I was never one of those. I am, however, one of those people that can tell you stories about relationships in middle school. 

I had moved to Texas the summer I was supposed to start 6th grade. Nobody really interested me until the end that school year. Leading to a week-full of romantic attempts on my behalf. I was only being played. He thought it would be funny to mess with me. He denied anything he ever said to me. I was devastated, but time went on and I got over it as I developed feelings for someone else. With this new guy, we actually had a pretty serious thing going on that lasted for over a year, almost two. He spoiled me with gifts. Gave me his sweater when I was cold. It was all really great until he says he’s been lying about who he was. He was a lot worse of a person when he wasn’t with me; and maybe that’s a good thing but you want someone to be completely honest about who they are from the get go. I mean I found this out a whole year and a half later. Getting lied to feels pretty horrible. So there I was devastated once again. But I had a friend. He was growing really fond of me, and I wanted to see what could be of that. Only lasted a week. But it was nice. We couldn’t do it. I was moving anyway. I’ve had the privilege of seeing him grow. He is an incredible guy and deserves every good thing that comes his way. He is one of my greatest friends. 

It’s high school, and I’m only in Texas for a few months. I moved after Thanksgiving back to California. I had a couple of crushes. Some tried to go on dates with me. My sophomore year, I had the guts to tell one of my crushes that I liked him and lo and behold he liked me back. I didn’t want to go steady because I wanted to wait until after school. He didn’t want to wait and I gave in out of fear of losing him. It wasn’t worth it because he lied to me constantly. He thought white lies wouldn’t hurt, but the lies hurt so much more than the truth. That ended and I met this proper and prim boy. He was nice. Willing to wait. Accepting of the person I was. I wanted certainty and he couldn’t give it to me. Nothing ever became of that. I met a boy my freshman year who had started giving me a whole lot of attention after the proper and prim boy. I liked the attention so I thought I would see what could come out. It was nothing serious because I didn’t want anything serious. That was a mistake. I gave up bits and pieces of me and was devastated to see him focus his attention to someone else. That took a couple months to get over. And when that finally happened, I met a boy who I gave everything to. It was a summer ago when I gave it all up. Including my naked body. I gave it all up for a boy who had me begging for his attention. I made the mistake of giving all I had to offer to a boy who gave me nothing in return. Nothing but heartbreak. That took a while to recover from.

It took a while because two summers ago, I vowed to stay abstinent until I found “the one.” I hated myself for breaking that promise I made to him. I was no longer pure. I felt dirty. It took a long time to forgive the guy who I gave such a precious thing to and forgive myself for such choices… I mean, it was consensual.

After that and after him, I met a boy that just won me over with his way of words and way of being. I was heartbroken by the end of that week because he informed me he had a girlfriend. I still was willing to pursue a friendship, as was he. I gave this boy my absolute all. This time was completely different from all the rest. No one compared to him. I wanted him and only him. I grew a love for this boy that sometimes surprises me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the chosen one. Yeah, he reciprocated. He grew strong feelings for me as well, but it never really works out the way we planned.

*I started writing this a few months ago. I’ve edited this very recently. Before I edited this, I was unsure of what he wanted with the aforementioned girl and myself. At first, I wrote it’s safe to say he may not fully understand the gravity of who I am and what I have to offer, but so much has changed since the months I first wrote this in. Things didn’t work out the way he planned them to, and they didn’t work out the way I planned them. Although it has been very bumpy, I am very thankful for everything that has happened between us.*

I refused to leave his side even when he left mine. I will remain by his side through it all until I no longer am able to by whatever reason. Yes, my feelings for him are still as strong. The future for us is not under my control as much as I wish it was. If a lot has changed in the last few months, I have to wait and see what happens in the next few months.

I gave up a lot of me throughout the years. It’s time I take back everything that once was mine. I am made new. My body and heart belong to my Creator. When I meet “the one”, my body and heart will belong to him. There may not be physical proof of my purity, but there is emotional proof.

One day, somebody is going to love every part of me. Accept every part of me. Help me improve every part of me. One day, we’re both going to give it our all and give the amount of attention and affection we each need.

To my future husband: I await you with arms wide open. I will love you with ten times the fire I have ever loved anybody. I can’t wait to tell you about all I am learning through my solo journey before we embark on one together. I am growing so much. Becoming the one I was created. I love you so much. See you soon, my dear.

This is my story about the love I have given to those I felt attracted to. My love story isn’t over. I am human. Constantly making mistakes. Learning from them.

If I can give anyone the slightest advice is: To love is to be vulnerable. To be loved is to be known. Love is an acquired taste. You cannot connect or build relationships if there is no honesty. Don’t give everything up so easily; some can abuse it because they don’t realize the gravity of you and your love. Save it all for someone that does.