Hello old friend, it’s been 7 months since we last spoke. I’ve been meaning to write, but it’s so hard to focus my mind on one thing when there’s a million thoughts connected. Figured I would try to at least get them off my chest.

I want to vomit. Like physically throw up something that’s been poisoning me mentally and emotionally. I don’t know how that is at all possible, but I do.

He calls me forgiven, yet somehow I’m being reminded of the mistakes I’ve made and the person I was. And if nothing is supposed to leak when God cuts it off, surely these are lies formed against me.

Being healed of depression doesn’t mean it’s gone forever from my life. It appears in smaller less severe forms. The struggles I currently face bring me down, but it’s different being labeled as healed because now you know Who your source of joy is. Now you know Who gets you through day, Who puts a genuine smile on your face for the day; you would never be able to guess how sad I feel when I get home.

My emotions, my pain, my fears are all real and valid. I am allowed to feel them. I already know the future is promised to be incredible; but here in this moment, I need to cry. Yes, God is in my future and He is in total control, but I need to know and be reminded that my Jesus sits and cries with me. Because in the midst of His company, I feel okay.

That’s all I want. Someone who will cry with me. Someone who will rejoice with me. Someone who, in the midst of their company, will remind me that I am going to be okay.

I saw it flash before my eyes. How close it felt. How scary it felt. It didn’t feel okay in the moment. At any time, I feel it can happen. But if I had to wake up and face another version of it twice a week, surely I underestimate the strength of the God in me to face it.

None of it makes sense. I hide and quiver every single time. You watch me cry. And each time You tell me You’re there. I feel more afraid this year than I did last year. I am walking in unfamiliar territory. Yet, You walk it with me. That has to be enough. You have to be enough.

You’re not like everybody else who leaves or gets distracted by their own thing. You’re nothing like me; but You say I am everything like You. You see me and see a co-heir with Christ. You see royalty. You see strength. You see courage. You see confidence. You see faith. You see kindness. You see joy, peace, patience, goodness, gentleness, and self-control.

Self-control. Thank You that I’m not in control and You are. I’m here asking You to guide me and I have been so blind to see that You already are. All my steps have been directed. You know my future mistakes, but You don’t take back Your promises. You don’t regret choosing me. You love with no condition. What is sweeter than honey? This love is.

The storm will cease. The sun will shine. I will rise.