There are relationships in which I have completely succeeded in and relationships in which I have completely sucked in. I am not just talking about “Boyfriend-girlfriend” status. I am talking about relationships with everyone I have met.

A relationship is best defined as “the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.” A synonym for relationship includes “connection.” As mentioned in the post preceding this one, I want to connect and have healthy relationships with people. But I haven’t been doing much of that lately sadly.

My dad says that everyone is given talents. He says mine is the ability to connect with others of all ages. “You’re so good at relationships. You are incredible with kids. You know how to talk to people of your age and encourage them. You can connect and teach new things to elders. Amy, you are so good at connecting with people.”

Although it coming from my dad “because he’s my dad,” I do think he is right. People are what I’m good at. You can say they are my forte. I can make friends with people pretty easily. A lot of people are fond of me. I do a good job at being there for a lot of people when they need me. I do a very good job at caring for others. But there are times when I suck. And I have sucked lately.

I have sucked at maintaining relationships at home and outside my home. My mom has come home a couple of times (she comes home around 6) and I didn’t come out of my room to say hi. I literally isolate myself in my room. My dad pointed this out as he was talking to me about how good I am with relationships. He says to me “I know things have been really tough. Things will continue to be tough. There are things that will get you down, but don’t let them. You can’t allow them to get the best of you and allow yourself to be isolated from everything else. You’ll never connect that way.”

Things have happened that I have allowed them to get the best of me. When that happens, it pours out into most, if not all, my relationships. It sucks. I suck. I make mistakes. Others make mistakes. There is no forgiveness or moving forward and I’m just absorbed into this dark version of me. Parties who are not to blame do not deserve the crappy connection I give them. Even the parties who are to blame don’t deserve that. It’s like “Get it together. Pull yourself together. Get over it. Keep going.” But no, I dwell and get really sad.

A lot of people would be surprised at how sad I can get. I have gotten a lot of comments along the lines of “Amy? She’s always happy!” or “I can never picture Amy sad. That’s pretty much impossible.” So many people can tell you that I’m always laughing, too, and if you ask anyone that knows who I am they may mention the amount of laughing that I do (I like to laugh & I laugh about pretty much everything). But let me tell you, this girl gets really sad. Sometimes, it’s remarks like the ones previously mentioned that make me want to show others that I am human, too. That things make me upset. That I am not always happy. But I also fear, that I’ll overdo it and ruin the image that people have of me, which is “Happy Amy.” My dad and others would say that’s not the case.

My dad told me that I’m charismatic. It’s my responsibility to put aside anything that would bring me down and keep going. I wasn’t made to show the world how sad I am. I was made to smile always. He says “People won’t want to be around you if you are constantly upset about something and you show it. People want to be around you if you are joyful and gentle and wise. That is how you connect.” My economics teacher says “happiness is a responsibility” and we should “fake it till we make it.” I always think about that honestly.

It’s like “I can be upset about things. Being upset about certain things is normal and human, but I can show I am human in how I respond to the upsetting things.” I want to react positively. I want to always have joy and peace no matter what goes on in my life. I want to be graceful and wise and anything else that is good and positive. That’s the person I was called to be. I don’t want to let a day without me laughing go by. My laugh is absolutely ridiculous and I love it and I don’t think it should be contained for more than 24 hours. I want to smile as much as possible. I want to smile at strangers and I want that smile to spread like a virus to everyone I encounter. I used to hate my smile but thank God for braces. I want to react as calmly as possible when something that is supposed to stir me occurs. I want nothing to disturb my peace of mind. I don’t want to isolate myself because of the hurt something has brought. I don’t want to be afraid of anything. I want to have faith. I don’t want to be afraid of being too vulnerable or being too honest or being too loud or being over or undressed or saying the wrong thing or of my own feelings and emotions or of the future or of spiders. I don’t want to constantly run around like a chicken with my head cut off. I want to encourage others. I want others to feel safe and comfortable with me. I want to experience. I want to feel. I want to know I am alive. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to connect. I want to get better at relationships because I can get better. 

I am getting better. I am growing. I am learning.